Depression sucks!  It literally sucks the life out of you.  It sucks any joy out of you.  It sucks energy out of you.  Depression sucks. Until you go through Major Depression yourself you do not know.  I had a difficult time understanding why a person would want to cut, or even kill, themselves.  Until it was me. I am also learning some of the physical and emotional catalysis for depression.

Everyone has a different experience, but I am finding by sharing my struggle many women have the same experiences.  These experiences are not what we see as depression on the medical shows and advertisements.  I try to hide it as much as I can, I wear a mask and say “I’m Fine.” I don’t know how to say, “No, I am not okay.” I don’t know how to explain I do not have the energy to get dress.  How do I say I pray God would just take me in my sleep? How do I say I wanted to hurt myself?  How do I explain I don’t want to die, I just don’t know how to live with this pain.

I have a difficult time seeing HOPE, seeing how I will ever live a productive life again.  There is no cure for my physical illness, and even though the illness is not immediately fatal it will shorten my life.  Worst of all, it significantly decreases my quality of life.  I worked so hard for 33 years to do what I felt God wanted me to, to continue to get worse physically and emotionally for the last 7 years.

Of course, it may look to others like I am lazy.  I do not leave the house much, I do not drive, I do not work.  Anyone who deals with Chronic Pain and Illness knows it takes a great deal of energy to complete ANY task, to even take a shower and get dressed.  It takes energy and courage to face another day, not knowing what part of your body will not work that day or how much pain I will have.

Not having the hope of getting better fuels the depression.  I get mad, snap at everyone, cry at a drop of a hat, not get off the couch, not talk, not go outside, not have the energy to do anything but push myself to eat. I just want to sleep, but when I sleep I have vivid nightmares. I am scared for the future, not knowing how we will live without JC working.  What if he dies? What if the artery doesn’t heal right? I could not handle losing him. I have so much on my shoulders right now. We don’t live paycheck to paycheck, we live day to day. Waiting on God to take care of us daily. That is the definition of stress.

I changed my diet back to low gluten (a whole other post), my PMS is over (for now), the sun is shining, so I feel better this week.  I try to enjoy the good days, because they are few and far between. I do not know the answer, but I keep praying.  Does anyone else have similar experiences? How do you deal with the bad days? I want to hear your story.

NOTE: This is a tough post to write. It is the first time I have written about the awful side of depression in my life. So be gentle.  I have several doctors, and do a great deal of research on all treatments.  Please do not leave a comment saying I should be on the products you sell (Plexis, Oils, It Works, etc.).  I have friends who sell everything, and I support them first.