I had my life figured out by the time I was 30. I had lots of education and letters behind my name to propel me into the rest of my life. I met JC and life was good. Right after I graduated with my doctorate, then mini me EllaSue was born; we prayed, cried, and went through hormonal stages of infertility. Then the star in our lives was given to us by God.

Then the second part of my life took over the plan I mentioned. I became very sick after I had El, we still do not know how everything happened. Fertility treatments, Bowel Endometriosis, PCOS, Hypermobility Syndrome, Chairi Malformation, Chronic Pain, Daily Headaches, Migraine. I will likely never know what set the dominoes of my health up, but we know giving birth was the push. No pun intended 😁.

I would do it all again to have El in this world, believe me she is the light of my life. I do wish we had been smarter with my doctors and specialist. Even with me working in and around medical staff, I made huge mistakes. We were less than 3 hours from Houston at the time, why didn’t I take advantage of all the health care specialist there? Why didn’t I make JC come into every appointment? By the way, he comes with me to 90% of my appointments because doctors will believe what JC says about my illnesses and pain. They usually do not believe me! Ok, let that sink in, in 2023 my husband has to speak to the doctor in order for me to be treated. Really, not making that up.

I have been varying degrees of sick the last 13 years. I don’t have one main syndrome to explain everything, and doctors are not like House, MD. Doctors treat the flames that pop up instead of looking for the source of the fire. Because of this I am on disability. I have lost all I worked so hard for. I have lost my education, I would need to go back to school in order to use what I had a decade ago. I have lost my ability to be social, which I love. We never know how I am going to feel or what virus is attaching this time.

The last few years have been better, surviving COVID has given me “Street Cred” with the doctors and nurses I have seen since. To some extent they can empathize with my situation. I do have great insurance, which was not the case for most of the past decade. Doctors will not recommend you for a non emergency surgery unless your insurance clears.

I know it is dangerous to compare yourself with others, but isn’t it more dangerous to compare your life now with the life you planned? I am now scared to set goals and have dreams for the future, because I know my reality will not meet my wishes. How do I move forward?